Irish Mobster Excited to Move Operations + Gang to Illinois
Names Mick Calhoun, I lead an Irish Gang, you could call us a mob.
Me and my boys are very excited, a lot of good things are happening. But the good news, we’re moving to Illinois at the end of the year.
Why, well, we’re in Miami. Police are happy, you get caught committing some of the things, that we .. uh .. do … you might go to jail.
Not so in Illinois. At least not after January 1st. You see, they passed the Safe-T act, which is great name for it, if you like stand-up comedy. They’re eliminating cash bail, almost entirely. That means, if one my guys gets caught for crime, back on the streets, so he can can continue doing work, for me. We’re all one big family you know.
There are 12 non-detainable offenses where the new law would end cash bail, including arson, drug-induced homicide, robbery, kidnapping, aggravated battery, burglary, intimidation, aggravated driving under the influence, fleeing and eluding, drug offenses, second-degree murder, and threatening a public official, and be back out on the streets with hours. Second degree murder, ahhh … it brings me back, to think of all the time I wasted in jail.
Think about it, I go off and kill someone in cold blood again, try to elude police while driving intoxicated, punch an old woman and steal her purse, and bribe the local DA Kim Fox to charge me only with a second degree murder, and under the new law, it’s going to be very difficult to get the judge to keep me behind bars.
Hell, they even if they reach the compromise of putting an ankle bracelet on me, given the fact that it’s only 48 hours after it is not responding that they can even legally begin looking for me, I have ample time to catch the next plane to Bulgaria where we have some operations, and I’m safe and sound, thanks to the Safe-T act!
I go to where the bread is buttered, and I applaud the leftists in Illinois that are pro-Mick Calhoun, pro butter. Who ever said the left was against the business interests … of organized crime I mean.
You’ve offered a deal that we can’t pass up, and I’d like to publicly thank the Governor, the legislature, and that awfully attractive Chicago Mayor, Lightfoot.
I never lie.
So given that, as a thank you to all you lefties out there who incentivized this move, I urge you to put a Biden sign out in front of your house, so we my men might pass over your abode without invading it as a thank you.
Oh, who are we kidding, it’s not going to save you, we’ll see it as a sign that you’re the good, kind people of the world, on the progressive side of politics and human evolution … who are less likely to have a gun.